Penn State Touchdown Scandal Exposed

Lincolnapolis, Indibraska- NCKMA President Markis Freehmert announced the findings of an independent investigation into Saturday's incidents at Memorial Stadium.  The exhaustive investigation, which included the analysis of over 3 million blades of grass and 4 thousand dimples on footballs, uncovered particularly damning evidence during interviews with concession stand worker Witchy Tripoverme and a guy who knows a guy whose cousin is friends with a guy who used to cut Tom Osbourne's grass.

"We have concluded that the four most tenured men at Penn State Football- Joe Paterno, Ron Vanderlinden, Larry Johnson, and Brad "Spider" Caldwell- conspired to win the game in order to avoid becoming the complete failures they were supposed to be under the terms of the Consent to Screw Me Decree.  We concluded that they were able to do so because of the culture at Penn State which valued integrity and achievement over shame and Board worship."

According to Freehmert, Paterno conspired to have the goal line moved four inches short so that Lehman would appear to have scored a touchdown before having the ball knocked away.  A former assistant says he witnessed Paterno plotting the line movement through a crack in the door to Paterno's office in the Lasch Building.  "I saw it with my own ears!"  said the assistant, who reports that the conversation took place between Paterno and Child #2 on November 9, 2012.

When asked why he did nothing to stop the conspiracy, the assistant, now identified as Might ThisClearme, says he tried to walk all the way to Lincolnapolis in the cold but he did not make it in time.  He also says that he will testify to climbing onto the Lasch balcony and peering through the sliders into Paterno's office if his story is questioned further.  "I might even say I opened the door in order to be sure I heard what I say I think I saw," he insisted.

Although Child #2 has claimed that he no longer works in the Lasch Building and that Paterno was no longer alive at the reported time of the conversation, newly appointed Attorney DollarGeneral Lindlie Kellbett says they do not believe him.  "The fact that he spoke at Paterno's memorial service proves that he knew the man was still alive and is simply trying to discredit our star witness so that people will start questioning our myopic investigation and begin looking at the Big WayBackWhen officials, whom disgruntled alumni claim are really at fault," she announced at a Pitt-UConn viewing party at the Governor's Mansion on Friday.

Nobody questioned how she could announce the results before the investigation, or even the game, had taken place.

Vanderlinden and Johnson have been charged with failure to fail, loyalty to players, and conspiring to retain the standard of Success with Honor.  Caldwell and Paterno have yet to be charged but probably will be if there is enough media attention and if it can be proven or speculated that Paterno still has a presence in Happy Valley.

No fault was found with the performance of Conference officials, who were found to be ill-equipped to make correct calls on replay while blinded by a desire to protect ranked teams and to remind Penn State football players that they were expected to fail.

As a result of the invesitgation, Penn State PRezident Rong Everytime agreed to the following unprecedented additional sanctions:

• All degrees earned at Penn State since 1926 will be vacated.
• Penn State will  pay $12 million dollars per year for the next five years to the general scholarship funds of Syracuse, Washington, Montana, Baylor and the Citadel.
• Penn State men's sports teams will no longer be allowed to wear protective gear such as helmets, pads, or athletic cups.
• The University must adopt the academic standards set by the North Carolina Afro and African-American Studies Department.
• Jimmy Johnson will be retained as off-the-field behavior monitor for all student athletes.

Untrustees Chairin Putzes and Kenwe Framem accepted full responsibility for the loss and blamed the whole thing on Paterno.

WWJD

Moving Forward... the Paterno Way

On Sunday, August 12, 2012, the Penn State Board of Trustees allowed nearly 9,000 of us to bear witness to their apathy; to their lack of allegiance to all that Penn State is, was, and should always be; and to their profound inability to lead that has brought about the mess in which we now find ourselves and Dear Old State.  In essence, these people who are tasked with protecting the integrity of our beloved University did nothing more than embrace the false assumption of the Freeh report that we have a "culture problem" and we need to "move forward."  Though surely we should not be surprised by what we heard, most of us are more angry than ever for having heard it.  Now it is time for us to ask ourselves the one question any football-fevered, idol-worshipping group of lemmings must ask to survive in times of turmoil:  What would JoePa do?

We all know what JoePa would do, he would run it up the middle.  Repeatedly.  He would run it and run it and keeping running it until our greater strength and resolve wore down the opponent. He would put our linebackers out there to read their gameplan and stop them from executing it.  And then he would run it up the middle, again.

In 1967, Joe saw his team perform lackidaisically, led by a group of upperclassmen who believed their longevity alone entitled them to play.  What did JoePa do?  He benched those upperclassmen in favor of a hungrier, more motivated group of young players who went the next 2 1/2 seasons undefeated.  This BOT is our class of '67.  While we may not be able to bench them immediately the way JoePa did, we can continue to fight for reform in the way the board is selected, the rules by which it operates, and the manner in which it is held accountable for its decisions.  Why do board members themselves get to choose more of their own numbers than we do?  Why is the executive committee given so much power?  Why are individual votes not recorded?  These are questions and problems that we can address through every means at our disposal.  We can never again forget to vote in trustee elections or neglect to study our candidates carefully. We can monitor their statements, their actions, and their votes, and we can let them know that we are watching and that we hold them personally accountable to each of us.  We can make them earn their positions and our trust.

In 2003, JoePa saw his team lose to three conference opponents in a row due to incredibly poor calls that went against them and directly affected the outcome of the game.  What did JoePa do?  He worked behind the scenes to ensure that the Big Ten led the nation in the implementation of instant replay.  The Freeh report, the media miscarriage and the NCAA sanctions are our "bounce pass" and the "first downs that weren't."  Here, we have a power that Joe did not, the power to go back and change the result!  We must continue to fight the credibility of the Freeh report, both by refuting his so-called evidence and by presenting our own fact-based evidence against his false characterization of a "win-at-all-costs football culture."  We must demand that our BOT recognize these errors, reject this document on those grounds, and rectify the public perception based on these inaccuracies.  If Gene Marsh says the NCAA felt they could act outside their mandate because they were addressing a 'culture problem', we must prove their actions are unjust because the problem was never within our culture.  We must force members of the NCAA executive committee to produce facts, not Freeh assumptions, to justify their actions or to repeal them.  Remember, we've never lost to Indiana, and if it takes another goal line stand to keep that record intact, lets put on the pads and fight for every inch.

In 2011, Joepa saw 32 "representatives" of Penn State turn their back on him and all that he had worked to build.  What did JoePa do?  He renewed his annual endowment to the University he loved so that current and future students could continue to reap the benefits of his legacy.  He understood that the 600,000 and growing beneficiaries of the "grand experiment" could, should and would speak louder in pride than the 32 could ever speak in fear.  We must be those voices.  Not because Joe Paterno was God, but because WE ARE PENN STATE and they are not.

Penn State CULTure

An Open Letter to the Media:

Your claim to understand the "Penn State Culture" is a bit like taking a picture of the Eiffel Tower and calling yourself a Frenchman.  The truth is, few of you have ever visited Happy Valley, and those who have were only there for football. You have never braved a State College winter, smuggled a chicken cosmo out of a dining hall, pulled an all-nighter at the Diner, listened to reggae on the HUB lawn or felt a deep loss when it was announced that elms couldn't be saved.  You may know how the phrase "We Are" came to be, but you will never understand what it means.

WE ARE the millions who loved our coach, not because we were blinded by football fever, but because we looked beyond the football field.  WE saw the millions of dollars the Paterno family gave to academic projects.  WE saw the "Grand Experiment" become institution-wide, with academic honors and graduation rates for all Nittany Lion athletes exceeding those of the general student population at nearly every major university.  WE saw Ki-Jana Carter lose a Heisman and our team lose rankings because Joe refused to run up the score against our opponents and because he called you out on your inane questions and the many times you misquoted him or took his words out of context.

WE ARE appalled by your characterization of our football program and its staff as "win-at-all-costs."  WE supported them during the lean years at the beginning of the last decade when you were calling for JoePa's head.  WE saw a program that continued to garner blue-chip recruits without promising them early starts and while making it clear to them that they would be held to a higher standard of academic performance and personal conduct than their counterparts at other top programs.  WE saw that staff pass on some extremely talented players who were unwilling to do it The Penn State Way.  WE saw our star receiver dismissed before a bowl game for skipping class.  WE knew the bye weeks were important to our coach because he wanted to give his players time off to study for midterms, even with the Michigan game coming up.

WE ARE the ones who endured years of barbs about our coach's age.  WE heard you call him senile, say the game had passed him by, he has lost control, he is out of touch.  And now WE hear you call him the mastermind of a criminal cover-up that fooled everyone for years on end.  WE know that Sandusky hasn't had an office right down the hall from Joe for thirteen years.  WE know that "liability" is more likely to refer to bodily injury than risk of molestation.  WE have read the Freeh Report in its entirety and have used the skills WE honed at Penn State to critically examine the "evidence."

WE ARE, WE always will be, and WE will never allow you to define us.

Freehlance Investigations Opens PA Office

Well slap my pullitzer and call me Nancy Drew, I have solved the Case of the Puppetmaster!  It's Joe Paterno.  I know it's bad form to start with a conclusion, but you may not have time to read the whole story and I'm sure you want to know whodunnit.  So feel free to just take my word for it.  I'm awesome.  And really smart. And important.  And I make a lot of money.

So I figured the best place to find a smoking gun was in 1998.  Why else would the NCAA have vacated wins since then, right?  There it is, the crucial evidence. In emails dated May 6th and 13th Curley mentioned that Coach, probably Joe, wanted to know what was going on. Aha!  See, that's what's so brilliant about Joe; he pretended not to know what was happening and got Curley to mention him in these emails so as to divert attention away from himself as the puppet master.  He had to keep a low profile, not involve himself in the process, not get in on the conversation, basically be unaware of the investigation in order to hide the fact that he was secretly...

Oh crap.

Apparently there were a bunch of local and state cops and social workers who investigated the allegations against Sandusky but decided there wasn't enough evidence to make any sort of charge.  But Louis Freeh said those people were overworked and not equipped to understand what they were dealing with, so it's not their fault.  Joe Paterno, on the other hand, had an Ivy League education, and had spent 48 years coaching football, so he should know better than...

Oh crap.

Yeah but there's more.  Apparently, during all of this, Sandusky was negotiating his retirement.  That's the key my friends.  It seems that scoundrel Paterno thought giving Sandusky's Second Mile kids unrestricted access to athletic facilities would open the school up to liability.  Obviously this had to be about molestation because no way could a football coach think personal injury liability.  How ridiculous.  If that were the case, then sports facilities all over the place would require people to sign waivers and...

Crap again.

But then this got me thinking that maybe Joe Paterno was psychic.  Couldn't that explain how he was able to win 409 football games?  Or was it 308?  Can't remember.  But that would explain the importance of the year 1998 wouldn't it?  But then I figured those geeky kids on Paranormal State would have surely uncovered that by now.  Maybe this whole paragraph didn't need to be included here since it isn't really related to the case, and I hope it doesn't stop you from reading further because your eyes are tired or anything like that because I would hate for you to miss the really important things at the end of this because you have other things to do.  I decided to go ahead and include it in the name of thoroughness.  Is that a word?  Not sure, but it's easier to pronounce than obfuscation.

Where was I?  1998, 1999, somewhere in there.  So the puppet master asked for Sandusky's access to be limited, and since he ran that place it was and...

Crap.

Ok, but wait, it seems our Mr. Paterno made only a token appearance at Sandusky's retirement party.  A famous and popular man like Joe Paterno would have to lead a very active social life and leaving that party early proves he knew Sandusky was a monster.  I googled "Joe Paterno party animal shocking photos" and didn't find anything.  Called the Enquirer.  Nada.  Obviously Joe got to them ahead of me.  I did find some stories about him meeting with wealthy alums to solicit money for new academic buildings on campus, but they made it sound like he flew in for the meeting and went home to his wife.  Guess he got to them ahead of me too.

Still confused about the 1998 thing, but I am a professional, so I decided to dig deeper.  And there it is, in print and on every television channel in at least this country: Joe did not report the 2001 incident to the police.

Oh crap again.

At this point, the only direct evidence I had left of Joe's complicity was his public confession.  Remember when he said he should have done more, didn't do enough, however it was summarized or paraphrased, it was a confession.  I found the full statement.

Crap

No problem, the answer is not in the details but in the overall culture at Penn State.  I need to look for proof that Joe and his football team ran the place. There were those janitors, the ones who reported it and were fired by Joe because everyone bowed to...

Crap.

And Triponey said Joe ran the place.  She is a brave woman who came forward before Joe's body was cold and opened the door for her oppressed brothers and sisters at the University to join her.  The floodgates opened and...

Crap.

As you can imagine, by this point I was all crapped out.  I couldn't really explain how I knew Joe was the puppetmaster, so I fell back on the one answer that works in all situations.  Because I say so.

Let Freehdom Ring

Tear down JoePa's statue? Abolish Penn State football? Close down the University? Yes, wonderful ideas. But only a beginning.

Right after that we need to tear down Mt. Rushmore, the Washington monument and any other statue, building, park or plaque that honors or bears the name of any of our elder statesmen who owned slaves. After all, these men and those in their employ systematically raped, tortured and starved the generations of human slaves they owned. We must then redesign all of our currency because nearly every coin or banknote depicts one of these despicable humans. No matter that recalling and exchanging all U.S, hard currency will completely crash our economy (so what, those guys were bastards and our currency is offensive because of it?) because step 4 of the plan involves burning the Constitution. Those jackasses considered Blacks three- fifths of a person and allowed those they governed to hang, beat and rape Black citizens for nearly 200 years without penalty.

Next, we must go after the churches. Start with the Catholic churches, since they allowed their priests to molest thousands. Also, their superiors at the Vatican not only harbored Nazi's, but profited immensely from it. Anne Frank wasn't the only child to die in the concentration camps, you know.

Now that the little stuff (slavery, the Holocaust, institutional racism and rape by men of God) has been obliterated, we can move on to what is REALLY wrong in the world- college football.

The ACC, Big Ten, and NCAA must go. One of these bodies allowed the other two to acquire universities with documented institutional cover-ups of multiple rapes and other crimes by their football players and staff. Granted, these crimes were against women and therefore not heinous enough to warrant the firing of a coach or anything, but we must wipe them out anyway. Carnegie Mellon has to go too. Do you know how many children were exploited and killed during the industrial revolution?  Don't forget the military academies.  You think My Lei was an anomaly?

I hope I'm not leaving anyone out, but the whole Penn State scandal has me so righteously indignant and morally superior that I can't look at the big picture. I'll try to get there, but without the Constitution or free enterprise, there will be no media to tell me what to think.