Lincolnapolis, Indibraska- NCKMA President Markis Freehmert announced the findings of an independent investigation into Saturday's incidents at Memorial Stadium. The exhaustive investigation, which included the analysis of over 3 million blades of grass and 4 thousand dimples on footballs, uncovered particularly damning evidence during interviews with concession stand worker Witchy Tripoverme and a guy who knows a guy whose cousin is friends with a guy who used to cut Tom Osbourne's grass.
"We have concluded that the four most tenured men at Penn State Football- Joe Paterno, Ron Vanderlinden, Larry Johnson, and Brad "Spider" Caldwell- conspired to win the game in order to avoid becoming the complete failures they were supposed to be under the terms of the Consent to Screw Me Decree. We concluded that they were able to do so because of the culture at Penn State which valued integrity and achievement over shame and Board worship."
According to Freehmert, Paterno conspired to have the goal line moved four inches short so that Lehman would appear to have scored a touchdown before having the ball knocked away. A former assistant says he witnessed Paterno plotting the line movement through a crack in the door to Paterno's office in the Lasch Building. "I saw it with my own ears!" said the assistant, who reports that the conversation took place between Paterno and Child #2 on November 9, 2012.
When asked why he did nothing to stop the conspiracy, the assistant, now identified as Might ThisClearme, says he tried to walk all the way to Lincolnapolis in the cold but he did not make it in time. He also says that he will testify to climbing onto the Lasch balcony and peering through the sliders into Paterno's office if his story is questioned further. "I might even say I opened the door in order to be sure I heard what I say I think I saw," he insisted.
Although Child #2 has claimed that he no longer works in the Lasch Building and that Paterno was no longer alive at the reported time of the conversation, newly appointed Attorney DollarGeneral Lindlie Kellbett says they do not believe him. "The fact that he spoke at Paterno's memorial service proves that he knew the man was still alive and is simply trying to discredit our star witness so that people will start questioning our myopic investigation and begin looking at the Big WayBackWhen officials, whom disgruntled alumni claim are really at fault," she announced at a Pitt-UConn viewing party at the Governor's Mansion on Friday.
Nobody questioned how she could announce the results before the investigation, or even the game, had taken place.
Vanderlinden and Johnson have been charged with failure to fail, loyalty to players, and conspiring to retain the standard of Success with Honor. Caldwell and Paterno have yet to be charged but probably will be if there is enough media attention and if it can be proven or speculated that Paterno still has a presence in Happy Valley.
No fault was found with the performance of Conference officials, who were found to be ill-equipped to make correct calls on replay while blinded by a desire to protect ranked teams and to remind Penn State football players that they were expected to fail.
As a result of the invesitgation, Penn State PRezident Rong Everytime agreed to the following unprecedented additional sanctions:
- All degrees earned at Penn State since 1926 will be vacated.
- Penn State will pay $12 million dollars per year for the next five years to the general scholarship funds of Syracuse, Washington, Montana, Baylor and the Citadel.
- Penn State men's sports teams will no longer be allowed to wear protective gear such as helmets, pads, or athletic cups.
- The University must adopt the academic standards set by the North Carolina Afro and African-American Studies Department.
- Jimmy Johnson will be retained as off-the-field behavior monitor for all student athletes.
Untrustees Chairin Putzes and Kenwe Framem accepted full responsibility for the loss and blamed the whole thing on Paterno.
